The Historic Conquests of Andrew Cass

I pity the fool who doesn’t eat a balanced breakfast.

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 23:10:17 -0500

I pity the fool who doesn’t eat a balanced breakfast.

In China they used to make prisoner’s eat these as a form...

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 23:03:53 -0500

In China they used to make prisoner’s eat these as a form of punishment, but found it to be too inhumane so they switched to water torture.

Batman always seemed like more of a Pepsi guy to me.

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 00:59:00 -0500

Batman always seemed like more of a Pepsi guy to me.

jakefogelnest: Hey, here it is guys. The greatest video on all...

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 00:47:02 -0500

jakefogelnest:

Hey, here it is guys. The greatest video on all of the Internet.

Join the Gotham City Police Department

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 20:05:00 -0400

Do you have legs? What are arms? Can you grab things with your hands? Then you’re qualified to join the Gotham City Police Department!

Our boys in blue have a long history of defending Gotham City by stalling just long enough for Batman to arrive and also arresting the bad guys Batman already beat up. Working in the Gotham City Police Department is great for anyone who has ever wanted to meet Batman, but is too much of a coward to rob a bank or freeze the entire city.

The Gotham City Police Academy will give you a two week crash course on everything you need to know as a cop: how to turn on the Batman signal and… that’s pretty much it.

You may even get the chance to participate in a huge fight scene with the henchman of whatever supervillain is trying to take over the city this week!

The Gotham City Police Department had a 86% mortality rate in 2011, our lowest in over a decade!

Ending of Mets-Marlins game postponed because it’s after David Wright’s bedtime

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 15:30:09 -0400

NEW YORK—The Mets-Marlins game was abruptly stopped with one out in the top of seventh inning because it was past Mets third baseman David Wright’s curfew.

“If I don’t get home right this minute mom’s going to be awful mad with me,” Wright said. “I don’t want to lose my afternoon television and video game privileges and I can’t afford to get grounded again.”

Initially the two teams were hoping to continue the game without him, but could not because Wright brought his bat and glove home with him.

“Mom doesn’t like other people using my stuff when I’m not around,” Wright said. “One time, when I was 8, I let my friend Jeff borrow my bat without mom’s permission and then he broke that bat. Now mom won’t let any of my friends touch my stuff unless she says it’s okay. Except for R.A. Dickey, she trusts him.”

This is not the first time Wright has caused games to be rescheduled. All seven games of the 2006 NLCS had to be played at 8 a.m. because Wright’s mom wanted him to help her in the garden in the afternoon. Wright also missed 25 games last season because he was grounded after not cleaning his room even though his mom told him “at least 50 times” to do so.

“Right now we’re just holding out hope that he’s not grounded again,” Mets first baseman Ike Davis said. “We’re all hoping it’s nothing more than a 15-minute time out and loss of cell phone use for a week like last time.”

Early reports out of the Wright household indicate that there will not be a strict punishment for his late arrival. A source close to the family said that the most likely punishment at this time is getting sent to bed without dinner. Wright’s appeal was rejected because his mom “said so.”

The ending of the game is rescheduled for Sunday at 1 p.m., provided that Wright is allowed to play.

Los Angeles evacuated after Amanda Bynes seen getting into car

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 15:09:00 -0400

(Downtown L.A. after a particularly bad Amanda Bynes joy ride)

LOS ANGELES – More than five million people have fled from L. A. and millions more are expected to follow after Amanda Bynes’ most recent driving fiasco.

Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has declared a state of emergency and urged citizens to get out of the city as quickly as possible.

“We’re treating this the same way we would a class five hurricane,” Villaraigosa said. “Only the damage is expected to be much worse.”

Already more than $800 million has been done by Bynes’ reckless driving. Many have called for the former All That cast member to be put behind bars, but so far the only time she has spent in prison was when she accidentally crashed through the walls.

“We are asking our residents to seek refuge with families in other parts of the country,” Villaraigosa said. “For those who can’t make it out, we’ve set up a shelter in the Staples Center. Our only hope is that they make it there before she does.”

Entire neighborhoods have been destroyed, leaving thousands, possibly even millions of people homeless.

Dorothy Clarkson had been living in the same house with her husband for over 60 years, but now the 90-year-old woman is left out on the streets.

“We got a good deal on this house after one of those commie directors was run out of town,” Clarkson said. “But now it’s all gone. I don’t even know who Amanda Bynes is or how someone could be so bad at driving.”

Experts are calling this the worst thing to happen to Los Angeles since The Adventures of Pluto Nash was released.

If we’re being completely honest, I would be willing to...

Fri, 17 Aug 2012 19:08:12 -0400

If we’re being completely honest, I would be willing to pay at least $50 to see an hour of Bania stand up.

Hey, did R. Kelly write a song about Gotham City for the Batman & Robin soundtrack?

Sat, 11 Aug 2012 15:24:03 -0400

Of course he did.

killams: America.

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 01:37:34 -0400

killams:

America.

Since we’re on the subject of bad soccer hair, the early...

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 20:16:00 -0400

Since we’re on the subject of bad soccer hair, the early 2000s weren’t kind to anyone.

Fun fact: It’s impossible to look at this picture without hearing a 311 song play in your head.

I don’t think we can call Spain the best soccer team of...

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 20:05:13 -0400

I don’t think we can call Spain the best soccer team of all time because Cesc Fabregas doesn’t have this amazing mullet anymore.

The First Draft of It's a Wonderful Life

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 11:32:00 -0400

Clarence: Look George, it's your wife. But remember, she doesn't know who you are.

George: Where she's coming from?

Clarence: Work. She has to work and provide for herself like a normal person in this scenario. Isn't that horrible?

George: What does she do?

Clarence: She's a librarian.

George: Oh, that's actually a good fit for her. I could totally see her doing that.

Clarence: Oh yeah, she enjoys her work quite a bit. But look, she has to wear glasses!

George: That doesn't seem that bad.

Clarence: No, yeah, you're right. It's not.

George: I'm technically not married in this universe right? You wanna check out one of the 50 whore houses that are in this town now?

Clarence: Sure, the one on Third Street has a good wing special tonight.

Freelance Ransom Note Writer Wanted

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 15:23:47 -0400

We are looking for a hardworking, self-motivated writer to help us brainstorm ideas, develop and ultimately create a ransom note for Paul Crestman of 244 Garden Drive. Qualified candidates will be able to communicate efficiently and effectively through the use of cut out magazine letters. Some magazine clippings will be provided, but it is strongly encouraged that the writer brings in some magazines of his own.

The writer will also be responsible for updating our social media sites, including a Facebook fan page and a Twitter account, @wehavepaulcrestmanandyouwillpayusifyoueverwanttoseehimagain (we are taking suggestions for a better name). We are kidnappers on the cutting edge of the technological revolution and our goal is to bring the kidnapping industry into the 21^st century. Because of the police’s ability to track our IP address, the winning candidate will have to update the accounts from McDonald’s, or hack into our neighbor Carl’s wi-fi (his password is “password”).

Interested writers should send a resume and 3 writing samples to the man in the black overcoat standing under the bridge near Sunnyside Park. Candidates must have 1-2 years of extortion or bribery writing experience.

Here’s my latest for the Daily Pygmy: Boyfriend Dumps...

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 19:43:00 -0400

Here’s my latest for the Daily Pygmy: Boyfriend Dumps Adele to Help Her Overcome Writer’s Block

Important verdict: Not many people track the Gin Blossoms tag.

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 12:09:37 -0400

Important verdict: Not many people track the Gin Blossoms tag.

Nope, found an even less essential video.

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 01:07:52 -0400

Nope, found an even less essential video.

For the record, my last post is also a test to see if anyone tracks the Gin Blossoms tag.

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 00:45:07 -0400

For the record, my last post is also a test to see if anyone tracks the Gin Blossoms tag.

Least essential YouTube video?

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 00:43:08 -0400

Least essential YouTube video?

YouTube should retire its upload button because there’s no...

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 18:59:31 -0400

YouTube should retire its upload button because there’s no need for it anymore. This is perfect.

[Via Cracked]