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The Historic Conquests of Andrew Cass

Poorly written screeds drawn in crayon.
Dec 26 '10

The Conversation Five Minutes After Home Alone Ends

Kevin: So the strangest thing happened. Remember how I said I wished I lived here by myself? Yeah well the next day you guys were gone. Then yesterday I decided that living here alone isn’t as great as I thought, what with Joe Pesci trying to bite off my fingers, so then I wished for you guys to come back and look, today you’re here. I must possess some type of magic power or something.

Mrs. McCallister: Yeah about that—

Kevin: I should probably wish for something awesome next. Like a Jet Ski, no wait even better, a helicopter.

Mrs. McCallister: You didn’t use magic to make us disappear. We… we forgot you when we went to France.

Kevin: Or maybe—wait, what?

Mrs. McCallister: We kind of forgot you when we went to France. You see the power went out and we were kind of in a rush and you were up in the attic, so we really didn’t have a chance to check to make sure we had everything.

Kevin: You forgot me? Remember how you were complaining the other day about how I’m always in the way and always annoying everyone? How do you forget me?

Mrs. McCallister: I know, I know, it looks bad, but we were in a rush. It was an honest mistake.

Kevin: But I’m your youngest child. It’s not like I’m the middle child or a redhead; I’m the baby of the family.

Mrs. McCallister: We really didn’t get a chance to enjoy Paris, so there’s that.

Kevin: I’m going to be traumatized for the rest of my life. I was nearly murdered for Christ sake.

Mrs. McCallister: I feel horrible, honey, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’m sorry.  I promise this will never happen again.

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