The Historic Conquests of Andrew Cass

Things I plan to do in my final semester of college

It’s starting to dawn on me that I’m in my last semester of college. This is sad news for a couple reasons. For one, I have the survival skills of a 7-year-old. I can barely clip my toenails let alone cook myself dinner. But mostly it’s sad because I still have so many things I want to do before I graduate. I’ve decided to make a list:

-Wear the same shirt in one course the entire semester just to see if anyone notices.

-Legally change my name to Chewbacca Stevens, just so professors have to address me as such.

-Wear a swimsuit to class everyday for a month.

-Get up in the middle of class and yell “the aliens are here, they’re coming to get me,” run out and never come to that class again.  

-Wear a felt beard the entire semester.

-Pay the football team to carry me into class on their shoulders like we just won the national championship.

-Give a presentation on why John Stamos was the most important cast member on Full House.

-Write erotic Woodrow Wilson fanfiction in my creative writing class. 

 -Pretend to be a foreign exchange student from Somalia in at least one of my classes.

-Start a cult that worships Alf.

-Dress as Batman for an entire day but never address the fact I am doing so.

-Write my thesis on why bitches be trippin’.

-When called on in class, start every sentence with “I’m reminded of that time in Garfield where…”

-Have a woman who thinks I’m a ghost fall in love with me, like Patrick Swayze in that movie Red Dawn.

-Pretend that I was kidnapped, send a ransom note to my roommates forcing them to pay $500 if they ever want to see me again. Settle for quarters.

-Eat a McRib.

-Go to grad school.