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It’s starting to dawn on me that I’m in my last semester of college. This is sad news for a couple reasons. For one, I have the survival skills of a 7-year-old. I can barely clip my toenails let alone cook myself dinner. But mostly it’s sad because I still have so many things I want to do before I graduate. I’ve decided to make a list:
-Wear the same shirt in one course the entire semester just to see if anyone notices.
-Legally change my name to Chewbacca Stevens, just so professors have to address me as such.
-Wear a swimsuit to class everyday for a month.
-Get up in the middle of class and yell “the aliens are here, they’re coming to get me,” run out and never come to that class again.
-Wear a felt beard the entire semester.
-Pay the football team to carry me into class on their shoulders like we just won the national championship.
-Give a presentation on why John Stamos was the most important cast member on Full House.
-Write erotic Woodrow Wilson fanfiction in my creative writing class.
-Pretend to be a foreign exchange student from Somalia in at least one of my classes.
-Start a cult that worships Alf.
-Dress as Batman for an entire day but never address the fact I am doing so.
-Write my thesis on why bitches be trippin’.
-When called on in class, start every sentence with “I’m reminded of that time in Garfield where…”
-Have a woman who thinks I’m a ghost fall in love with me, like Patrick Swayze in that movie Red Dawn.
-Pretend that I was kidnapped, send a ransom note to my roommates forcing them to pay $500 if they ever want to see me again. Settle for quarters.
-Eat a McRib.
-Go to grad school.