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The Historic Conquests of Andrew Cass

Poorly written screeds drawn in crayon.
Jan 2 '12

A few things to keep in mind before we start this orgy

First of all, thank you all for coming to the 8th Annual Central Arizona Orgy and Luncheon. I see a lot of new faces here, which is always great. I would also like to thank the Scottsdale Marriott for allowing us to use their convention center again this year.

But before we begin, there are a few things I would like you to keep in mind. As many of you may know, one of our attendees died of a heart attack at last year’s event and so for medical reasons, I’ve asked you to bring a note from your doctor clearing you for sexual activity. This is purely for insurance reasons. We don’t want to be found liable for any problems or injuries that may occur. I ask you all to hand your notes forward at this time. If you don’t have a note, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.

We have also made a few changes this year to ensure that everyone has the best experience possible. As you have noticed, we have printed out name tags for everyone who clicked “attending” on our Facebook event. If you did not sign up on Facebook, please speak to Lisa in the back left corner of the room to register.

Last year we got several complaints about biting. While some of you may be “into that,” it is important to remember to be respectful of other people who may not feel the same way as you kinky weirdos. To make things easier, we have green stickers for you to put on your name tag if you’re in to biting. Please raise your hand and Julian would come around and give you a sticker.

We also got several complaints about the pulling of hair last year. Again, some people are into it while others are not. For that we have red stickers. Julian will come around again to hand out stickers for those of you who are into that. Please try not to confuse the two stickers, as we would not want to ruin anyone’s experience at the orgy.

Just a few more notes, I know you all are getting antsy, but just hold on for another moment or two. As we say every year: no running. This is an orgy not a track meet, remember that. Another thing, try to keep the noise levels down. The Marriott said they got several complaints from disturbed patrons last year. They are gracious enough to let us host the orgy here, so we should be respectful of their wishes. If you’re a screamer, please try to stay on the far side of the room.

One last thing, if you are here for the Desert Mountain High School 25 year reunion, you’re in the wrong room. You’re looking for Convention Room B. Sorry for any confusion this may have caused.

Remember, the luncheon and award ceremony starts at 2. And let’s try not make a mess. We don’t want a repeat of last year, do we Todd?