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The Historic Conquests of Andrew Cass

Poorly written screeds drawn in crayon.
Dec 31 '11

How to live up to your New Year’s Resolutions without really trying

New Year’s Resolutions are the worst. Who wants to exercise when you could just lay on the couch and eat Cooler Ranch Doritos while watching reruns of Three’s Company? Fortunately for you, I know some shortcuts. Follow these tips and you’ll be a better you in no time!

-Lose Weight: Always a popular resolution. Losing weight can be hard; no one wants to start running, eat vegetables, or find a new host body like Star Jones did. Losing weight is actually quite easy. All you need is crystal meth. Once you become addicted, you won’t worry about eating anymore, or even other trivial things like work or family.Your new found addiction will take care of any excess weight you might have gained over the holiday season.

Now you may be asking, “where do I find crystal meth?” You might also be wondering, “how does he know what I’m thinking?” I have answers to both questions. First: did your town used to have a Hollywood Video? Try there. Ask for Rick. Second: I was struck by lightning when I was 8 years old and developed the power to read people’s minds.

If you can’t find crystal meth, crack will do in a pinch. Another alternative is selling body parts on the black market. Those things have to weigh something and do you really need your ring finger or lower intestines?

-Find a mate: Relationships are hard. They take a lot of work and compromise and let’s face it, no one wants to do either of those things. You know what doesn’t take work or compromise? Mail order brides. You can get quality  brides from Russia, Ukraine, or if you’re really adventurous, Bulgaria.

For a couple thousand dollars, you can skip years of courtship and effort and just get married. Plus, your new bride will be Eastern European, where life expectancy for females is 25 years. It’s like buying a dog! When one dies you can just bury it in the backyard and get another one. Also similar to dogs, you get to name them. 

-Travel the world: Everyone wants to travel the world, but only rich white kids who want to “find themselves” after college get to do it. Traveling can be extremely expensive, so many experts suggest doing a “staycation,” but did you know Hitler coined that term shortly before he killed himself? Saving up for a trip to Europe can take decades, provided you do things like pay bills and taxes (I’ve been living off the grid for years). But there is a shortcut: sell your children.

Kids are the worst and always ruin vacations anyway. Kids between the ages of 6-16 can fetch a pretty good price on the black market. You should be able to fund a full week long tour of Europe for just the price of two kids. But if you sold your kids on the black market and are still in need of a little cash, try selling one of your kids’ friends. Do you really think little Jeffy’s parents are going to miss him? Have you ever seen parents at the mall with their young child. They have a dead look in their eyes that normally only strippers and people eating a Denny’s have. They’ll probably thank you. You may even get a parade.

-Make a difference in someone’s life:  A lot of people see this as helping someone less fortunate than themselves. But read the title dipshits. You don’t have to help someone to change their life. You can do literally anything, as long as it alters the course of someone’s life in some way. This can be something as simple as shaking a baby.

My suggestion is the following: Dress up in a Big Bird costume and drive to your local supermarket. Hide on a self behind a few boxes of Easy Mac and when someone tries to grab one, crawl out and punch them in the face. That person will likely be terrified by what happened. They’ll never be able to look at Sesame Street the same way. At the very least you’ll have prevented them from buying Easy Mac, which is good because that stuff is disgusting.

-Get in shape: One word, well it’s more of an acronym, but still: HGH. Hope you don’t mind shrunken testicles or an elongated face (in the medical profession they call that a “Sarah Jessica Parker”).

There, you should be set for a good 2012. I’m available as a life coach, but I only accept payment in Chuck E. Cheese tokens. Happy New Year everyone!