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The Historic Conquests of Andrew Cass

Poorly written screeds drawn in crayon.
Dec 23 '11

How to Save Money in the New Year

2011 is coming to an end, which means many of you are going to make New Year’s Resolutions. Now me, I’ve never made a resolution because I’m perfect in every possible way, but I’m here to help you. In these tough economic times, many of you are probably going to make a resolution to be more fiscally responsible. I would like to share some tips with you to have a better new year and a bigger wallet:

-Build a sweatshop in your basement: Clothing purchases can really add up over the year, but for the cost of one reasonably priced cardigan at Macy’s, you can afford to keep as many as 50 Malaysian child laborers in your basement. All you have to do is pay them 1/2 a cent a day and it’s not slavery! You’re also going to have to provide them with some food if you want them to keep up the quality of their work, but Ramen noodles and tap water should do the trick. By the end of the year, you could have an entirely new wardrobe! All it will cost you is your ability to sleep at night.  

-Eat out of the dumpster: It’s amazing what people will throw out. Cake? Who cares if it’s three months old and has mold growing on it? It just means there’s more flavor. Plus, by eating what other people throw away, you’re helping cut down on waste. You’re being fiscally responsible and helping the earth! That’s probably a tax deduction or something.

-Give your kids up for adoption: Kids are the worst. You have to feed them and they always want stuff. You can save thousands by just getting rid of them. I’d tell you to just throw them out in the trash, but you don’t want to shit where you eat. By giving them up for adoption, you know that they’re probably going to end up with a loving supportive family. And if not, who cares? You don’t have to see them anymore.

-Become a Jehovah’s Witness: Now this may not seem like it has anything to do with saving money, but it’s illegal for Jehovah’s Witnesses to celebrate holidays or have fun of any kind. You’ll save thousands by not celebrating Christmas and you won’t feel bad when you don’t buy anything for your sister’s birthday.

-Drive your neighbor’s car to work: The bus is terrible. It smells and it’s full of poor people. You’re better than that. Car pooling’s not a bad idea, but you’ll be expected to drive your friends to work every other week, or at the very least pay for gas. If you just hotwire your neighbor’s car and drive it to work, you won’t have to spend any money at all! When you’re done with it, just park it in a ditch that’s within walking distance of your house. You’re probably going to have to use quite a few neighbor’s cars, so hopefully you live in a big neighborhood. And if not, look on the bright side, people are probably going to move away from a neighborhood that has car theft daily. You’ll have plenty of new neighbors to choose from.

-Sell cigarettes to middle schoolers: If you followed all the above steps and are still having trouble making ends meet, I have a solution to help you get cash fast: Sell cigarettes behind your local middle school. Start out by selling them for cheap. A dollar a pack will do the trick. Hey as some famous economist probably once said, you got to spend money before earn money. After a few weeks, the kid’s will be hooked and then you can jack up the prices as high as you want. $20, $30, $40? Go crazy. These little shits aren’t old enough to buy a pack themselves and they don’t know anyone else who will buy it for them. Congratulations, you got yourself a monopoly.

  1. andrewmcass posted this