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I’ve never been a big fan of dance clubs. I’m not much of a dancer and there’s something about loud music and crowds of people having fun that I just find off putting. But a few months ago I was dragged along to a club by a couple of my friends.
Being the awesome, fun person I am, I’m off to the side, avoiding the dance floor at all costs. This plan is working perfectly until I accidentally make eye contact with this girl who is standing near a wall not too far from me. She starts walking toward me.
The first thing I notice about this girl is that she has a Caesar haircut. It’s like she entered a time portal in 1997 and warped into this club.
Eventually she makes her way over to me and she says, “Are you gay?” This of course is an excellent way to start any conversation with a stranger.
“No…” I respond, too disarmed by the question to think of a follow up.
“Then why aren’t we dancing?” she asks. There are about a million different reasons I can think of, but before I can even comprehend the absurdity of her question, she grabs my hand and drags me to the dance floor.
At this point, I wasn’t sure how to react. I’m not used to somebody being so straightforward with me. She wraps her arms around me tightly so there’s no escape. With no other choice, I start to dance, and by dance I mean I awkwardly moved back and forth out of rhythm. It’s a move I like to call the “Andrew Shuffle.”
“You look uncomfortable,” she says to me. It was an accurate statement. “Don’t worry, I’m married.” She shows me her ring.
This surprisingly doesn’t make me feel any more comfortable. I’m not sure what was supposed to be reassuring about her statement. I was even more uncomfortable now. When we made eye contact, she was standing alone in the corner. It didn’t seem like she was with anyone else. What kind of person comes to a dance club alone, I thought, especially if she’s married?
At this point, there are two thoughts running through my head simultaneously. One is that she’s a crazy married woman who came to a dance club alone to dance with awkward-looking strangers. My other thought is that her husband’s here and he’s not going to be happy to see me dancing with his wife. Now, I’m fairly certain I could get beat up by a moderately tough 13-year-old, let alone someone’s angry husband.
It is crowded and we somehow managed to drift toward the center of the dance floor. Her grip was still tight and even if I did manage to wriggle away there was a sea of bodies blocking my exit.
“You’re a terrible dancer,” she correctly notes after a few minutes that seemed much longer than they were.
“I guess I never really learned how,” I confess.
“I can teach you,” she says. I don’t really have a choice. “Have you ever had sex? Move like we’re having sex.”
That was about as far as I could let this go. A voice in my head was telling me to stick with it, at least for the story, but I just wasn’t going to simulate sex with a married woman with a Caesar haircut who I had just met.
I mutter something about checking to make sure my friend is OK, break free of her grasp and knock over the couples dancing around me like bowling pins.
I didn’t see her again the rest of the night, but I like to think that she approached another guy, flashed her wedding ring and told him not to worry as she dragged him onto the dance floor.
It’s starting to dawn on me that I’m in my last semester of college. This is sad news for a couple reasons. For one, I have the survival skills of a 7-year-old. I can barely clip my toenails let alone cook myself dinner. But mostly it’s sad because I still have so many things I want to do before I graduate. I’ve decided to make a list:
-Wear the same shirt in one course the entire semester just to see if anyone notices.
-Legally change my name to Chewbacca Stevens, just so professors have to address me as such.
-Wear a swimsuit to class everyday for a month.
-Get up in the middle of class and yell “the aliens are here, they’re coming to get me,” run out and never come to that class again.
-Wear a felt beard the entire semester.
-Pay the football team to carry me into class on their shoulders like we just won the national championship.
-Give a presentation on why John Stamos was the most important cast member on Full House.
-Write erotic Woodrow Wilson fanfiction in my creative writing class.
-Pretend to be a foreign exchange student from Somalia in at least one of my classes.
-Start a cult that worships Alf.
-Dress as Batman for an entire day but never address the fact I am doing so.
-Write my thesis on why bitches be trippin’.
-When called on in class, start every sentence with “I’m reminded of that time in Garfield where…”
-Have a woman who thinks I’m a ghost fall in love with me, like Patrick Swayze in that movie Red Dawn.
-Pretend that I was kidnapped, send a ransom note to my roommates forcing them to pay $500 if they ever want to see me again. Settle for quarters.
-Eat a McRib.
-Go to grad school.
First of all, thank you all for coming to the 8th Annual Central Arizona Orgy and Luncheon. I see a lot of new faces here, which is always great. I would also like to thank the Scottsdale Marriott for allowing us to use their convention center again this year.
But before we begin, there are a few things I would like you to keep in mind. As many of you may know, one of our attendees died of a heart attack at last year’s event and so for medical reasons, I’ve asked you to bring a note from your doctor clearing you for sexual activity. This is purely for insurance reasons. We don’t want to be found liable for any problems or injuries that may occur. I ask you all to hand your notes forward at this time. If you don’t have a note, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.
We have also made a few changes this year to ensure that everyone has the best experience possible. As you have noticed, we have printed out name tags for everyone who clicked “attending” on our Facebook event. If you did not sign up on Facebook, please speak to Lisa in the back left corner of the room to register.
Last year we got several complaints about biting. While some of you may be “into that,” it is important to remember to be respectful of other people who may not feel the same way as you kinky weirdos. To make things easier, we have green stickers for you to put on your name tag if you’re in to biting. Please raise your hand and Julian would come around and give you a sticker.
We also got several complaints about the pulling of hair last year. Again, some people are into it while others are not. For that we have red stickers. Julian will come around again to hand out stickers for those of you who are into that. Please try not to confuse the two stickers, as we would not want to ruin anyone’s experience at the orgy.
Just a few more notes, I know you all are getting antsy, but just hold on for another moment or two. As we say every year: no running. This is an orgy not a track meet, remember that. Another thing, try to keep the noise levels down. The Marriott said they got several complaints from disturbed patrons last year. They are gracious enough to let us host the orgy here, so we should be respectful of their wishes. If you’re a screamer, please try to stay on the far side of the room.
One last thing, if you are here for the Desert Mountain High School 25 year reunion, you’re in the wrong room. You’re looking for Convention Room B. Sorry for any confusion this may have caused.
Remember, the luncheon and award ceremony starts at 2. And let’s try not make a mess. We don’t want a repeat of last year, do we Todd?
New Year’s Resolutions are the worst. Who wants to exercise when you could just lay on the couch and eat Cooler Ranch Doritos while watching reruns of Three’s Company? Fortunately for you, I know some shortcuts. Follow these tips and you’ll be a better you in no time!
-Lose Weight: Always a popular resolution. Losing weight can be hard; no one wants to start running, eat vegetables, or find a new host body like Star Jones did. Losing weight is actually quite easy. All you need is crystal meth. Once you become addicted, you won’t worry about eating anymore, or even other trivial things like work or family.Your new found addiction will take care of any excess weight you might have gained over the holiday season.
Now you may be asking, “where do I find crystal meth?” You might also be wondering, “how does he know what I’m thinking?” I have answers to both questions. First: did your town used to have a Hollywood Video? Try there. Ask for Rick. Second: I was struck by lightning when I was 8 years old and developed the power to read people’s minds.
If you can’t find crystal meth, crack will do in a pinch. Another alternative is selling body parts on the black market. Those things have to weigh something and do you really need your ring finger or lower intestines?
-Find a mate: Relationships are hard. They take a lot of work and compromise and let’s face it, no one wants to do either of those things. You know what doesn’t take work or compromise? Mail order brides. You can get quality brides from Russia, Ukraine, or if you’re really adventurous, Bulgaria.
For a couple thousand dollars, you can skip years of courtship and effort and just get married. Plus, your new bride will be Eastern European, where life expectancy for females is 25 years. It’s like buying a dog! When one dies you can just bury it in the backyard and get another one. Also similar to dogs, you get to name them.
-Travel the world: Everyone wants to travel the world, but only rich white kids who want to “find themselves” after college get to do it. Traveling can be extremely expensive, so many experts suggest doing a “staycation,” but did you know Hitler coined that term shortly before he killed himself? Saving up for a trip to Europe can take decades, provided you do things like pay bills and taxes (I’ve been living off the grid for years). But there is a shortcut: sell your children.
Kids are the worst and always ruin vacations anyway. Kids between the ages of 6-16 can fetch a pretty good price on the black market. You should be able to fund a full week long tour of Europe for just the price of two kids. But if you sold your kids on the black market and are still in need of a little cash, try selling one of your kids’ friends. Do you really think little Jeffy’s parents are going to miss him? Have you ever seen parents at the mall with their young child. They have a dead look in their eyes that normally only strippers and people eating a Denny’s have. They’ll probably thank you. You may even get a parade.
-Make a difference in someone’s life: A lot of people see this as helping someone less fortunate than themselves. But read the title dipshits. You don’t have to help someone to change their life. You can do literally anything, as long as it alters the course of someone’s life in some way. This can be something as simple as shaking a baby.
My suggestion is the following: Dress up in a Big Bird costume and drive to your local supermarket. Hide on a self behind a few boxes of Easy Mac and when someone tries to grab one, crawl out and punch them in the face. That person will likely be terrified by what happened. They’ll never be able to look at Sesame Street the same way. At the very least you’ll have prevented them from buying Easy Mac, which is good because that stuff is disgusting.
-Get in shape: One word, well it’s more of an acronym, but still: HGH. Hope you don’t mind shrunken testicles or an elongated face (in the medical profession they call that a “Sarah Jessica Parker”).
There, you should be set for a good 2012. I’m available as a life coach, but I only accept payment in Chuck E. Cheese tokens. Happy New Year everyone!
2011 is coming to an end, which means many of you are going to make New Year’s Resolutions. Now me, I’ve never made a resolution because I’m perfect in every possible way, but I’m here to help you. In these tough economic times, many of you are probably going to make a resolution to be more fiscally responsible. I would like to share some tips with you to have a better new year and a bigger wallet:
-Build a sweatshop in your basement: Clothing purchases can really add up over the year, but for the cost of one reasonably priced cardigan at Macy’s, you can afford to keep as many as 50 Malaysian child laborers in your basement. All you have to do is pay them 1/2 a cent a day and it’s not slavery! You’re also going to have to provide them with some food if you want them to keep up the quality of their work, but Ramen noodles and tap water should do the trick. By the end of the year, you could have an entirely new wardrobe! All it will cost you is your ability to sleep at night.
-Eat out of the dumpster: It’s amazing what people will throw out. Cake? Who cares if it’s three months old and has mold growing on it? It just means there’s more flavor. Plus, by eating what other people throw away, you’re helping cut down on waste. You’re being fiscally responsible and helping the earth! That’s probably a tax deduction or something.
-Give your kids up for adoption: Kids are the worst. You have to feed them and they always want stuff. You can save thousands by just getting rid of them. I’d tell you to just throw them out in the trash, but you don’t want to shit where you eat. By giving them up for adoption, you know that they’re probably going to end up with a loving supportive family. And if not, who cares? You don’t have to see them anymore.
-Become a Jehovah’s Witness: Now this may not seem like it has anything to do with saving money, but it’s illegal for Jehovah’s Witnesses to celebrate holidays or have fun of any kind. You’ll save thousands by not celebrating Christmas and you won’t feel bad when you don’t buy anything for your sister’s birthday.
-Drive your neighbor’s car to work: The bus is terrible. It smells and it’s full of poor people. You’re better than that. Car pooling’s not a bad idea, but you’ll be expected to drive your friends to work every other week, or at the very least pay for gas. If you just hotwire your neighbor’s car and drive it to work, you won’t have to spend any money at all! When you’re done with it, just park it in a ditch that’s within walking distance of your house. You’re probably going to have to use quite a few neighbor’s cars, so hopefully you live in a big neighborhood. And if not, look on the bright side, people are probably going to move away from a neighborhood that has car theft daily. You’ll have plenty of new neighbors to choose from.
-Sell cigarettes to middle schoolers: If you followed all the above steps and are still having trouble making ends meet, I have a solution to help you get cash fast: Sell cigarettes behind your local middle school. Start out by selling them for cheap. A dollar a pack will do the trick. Hey as some famous economist probably once said, you got to spend money before earn money. After a few weeks, the kid’s will be hooked and then you can jack up the prices as high as you want. $20, $30, $40? Go crazy. These little shits aren’t old enough to buy a pack themselves and they don’t know anyone else who will buy it for them. Congratulations, you got yourself a monopoly.
-With a Little Help from My Comrades
-Bolshevik Revolution 9
-Lucy in the Sky With Sputnik
-Stalingrad/Hey Hey Hey Hey
-Lovely Rita, Commissar of Transportation
-While My Government Issued Guitar Quietly Sobs
-Drive My Yugo
-Can’t Buy Me Love Because if You Did it Would Incite Class Warfare
-Room 302 of the Marriott Suites in Scottsdale, Arizona
-During the Seventh Inning Stretch of the NLCS Game Six
-Back of a Greyhound Bus