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The Historic Conquests of Andrew Cass

Poorly written screeds drawn in crayon.
Jul 3 '12
Since we’re on the subject of bad soccer hair, the early 2000s weren’t kind to anyone.
Fun fact: It’s impossible to look at this picture without hearing a 311 song play in your head.

Since we’re on the subject of bad soccer hair, the early 2000s weren’t kind to anyone.

Fun fact: It’s impossible to look at this picture without hearing a 311 song play in your head.

Jul 3 '12
I don’t think we can call Spain the best soccer team of all time because Cesc Fabregas doesn’t have this amazing mullet anymore.

I don’t think we can call Spain the best soccer team of all time because Cesc Fabregas doesn’t have this amazing mullet anymore.

Jul 3 '12

The First Draft of It's a Wonderful Life

  • Clarence: Look George, it's your wife. But remember, she doesn't know who you are.
  • George: Where she's coming from?
  • Clarence: Work. She has to work and provide for herself like a normal person in this scenario. Isn't that horrible?
  • George: What does she do?
  • Clarence: She's a librarian.
  • George: Oh, that's actually a good fit for her. I could totally see her doing that.
  • Clarence: Oh yeah, she enjoys her work quite a bit. But look, she has to wear glasses!
  • George: That doesn't seem that bad.
  • Clarence: No, yeah, you're right. It's not.
  • George: I'm technically not married in this universe right? You wanna check out one of the 50 whore houses that are in this town now?
  • Clarence: Sure, the one on Third Street has a good wing special tonight.
Jul 2 '12

Freelance Ransom Note Writer Wanted

We are looking for a hardworking, self-motivated writer to help us brainstorm ideas, develop and ultimately create a ransom note for Paul Crestman of 244 Garden Drive. Qualified candidates will be able to communicate efficiently and effectively through the use of cut out magazine letters. Some magazine clippings will be provided, but it is strongly encouraged that the writer brings in some magazines of his own. 

The writer will also be responsible for updating our social media sites, including a Facebook fan page and a Twitter account, @wehavepaulcrestmanandyouwillpayusifyoueverwanttoseehimagain (we are taking suggestions for a better name). We are kidnappers on the cutting edge of the technological revolution and our goal is to bring the kidnapping industry into the 21st century. Because of the police’s ability to track our IP address, the winning candidate will have to update the accounts from McDonald’s, or hack into our neighbor Carl’s wi-fi (his password is “password”).

Interested writers should send a resume and 3 writing samples to the man in the black overcoat standing under the bridge near Sunnyside Park. Candidates must have 1-2 years of extortion or bribery writing experience.

Jun 25 '12
Here’s my latest for the Daily Pygmy: Boyfriend Dumps Adele to Help Her Overcome Writer’s Block

Here’s my latest for the Daily Pygmy: Boyfriend Dumps Adele to Help Her Overcome Writer’s Block

Jun 22 '12

Important verdict: Not many people track the Gin Blossoms tag.

Tags: Gin Blossoms
Jun 22 '12

Nope, found an even less essential video.

Jun 22 '12

For the record, my last post is also a test to see if anyone tracks the Gin Blossoms tag.

Jun 22 '12

Least essential YouTube video?

Jun 21 '12

YouTube should retire its upload button because there’s no need for it anymore. This is perfect.

[Via Cracked]