November 2012
4 posts
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October 2012
1 post
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Join the Gotham City Police Department
Do you have legs? What are arms? Can you grab things with your hands? Then you’re qualified to join the Gotham City Police Department!
Our boys in blue have a long history of defending Gotham City by stalling just long enough for Batman to arrive and also arresting the bad guys Batman already beat up. Working in the Gotham City Police Department is great for anyone who has ever wanted to meet...
September 2012
2 posts
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Ending of Mets-Marlins game postponed because it’s...
NEW YORK—The Mets-Marlins game was abruptly stopped with one out in the top of seventh inning because it was past Mets third baseman David Wright’s curfew.
“If I don’t get home right this minute mom’s going to be awful mad with me,” Wright said. “I don’t want to lose my afternoon television and video game privileges and I can’t afford to get grounded again.”
Initially the two teams were hoping to...
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Los Angeles evacuated after Amanda Bynes seen...
(Downtown L.A. after a particularly bad Amanda Bynes joy ride)
LOS ANGELES – More than five million people have fled from L. A. and millions more are expected to follow after Amanda Bynes’ most recent driving fiasco.
Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has declared a state of emergency and urged citizens to get out of the city as quickly as possible.
“We’re treating this the same way we...
August 2012
2 posts
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Hey, did R. Kelly write a song about Gotham City...
Of course he did.
July 2012
5 posts
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The First Draft of It's a Wonderful Life
Clarence: Look George, it's your wife. But remember, she doesn't know who you are.
George: Where she's coming from?
Clarence: Work. She has to work and provide for herself like a normal person in this scenario. Isn't that horrible?
George: What does she do?
Clarence: She's a librarian.
George: Oh, that's actually a good fit for her. I could totally see her doing that.
Clarence: Oh yeah, she enjoys her work quite a bit. But look, she has to wear glasses!
George: That doesn't seem that bad.
Clarence: No, yeah, you're right. It's not.
George: I'm technically not married in this universe right? You wanna check out one of the 50 whore houses that are in this town now?
Clarence: Sure, the one on Third Street has a good wing special tonight.
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Freelance Ransom Note Writer Wanted
We are looking for a hardworking, self-motivated writer to help us brainstorm ideas, develop and ultimately create a ransom note for Paul Crestman of 244 Garden Drive. Qualified candidates will be able to communicate efficiently and effectively through the use of cut out magazine letters. Some magazine clippings will be provided, but it is strongly encouraged that the writer brings in some...
June 2012
11 posts
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Important verdict: Not many people track the Gin Blossoms tag.
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For the record, my last post is also a test to see if anyone tracks the Gin Blossoms tag.
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Happy 15th birthday, OK Computer.
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So a little while back I posted about an article I wrote for The Daily Pygmy called “Hollywood to Reboot Jennifer Aniston” and I was looking back at the article today and I found what I think is my new favorite comment on anything I’ve ever written:
so how much were you paid to write this stupid ass article, are you not ashmed of yourself one bit for doing this. jen has a...
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May 2012
2 posts
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April 2012
1 post
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March 2012
1 post
Inventions that were probably thought up at two in...
-The Pet Rock
-Pogs
-Pogo Sticks
-Pancakes and Sausage on a stick
-Doritos Locos Taco
-Crystal Pepsi
-Duck-billed Platypus
February 2012
1 post
Leaked: Entire Battleship Screenplay
LIAM NEESON You sunk my Battleship.
LIAM NEESON launches torpedo, 80 ships blow up.
CREDITS.
January 2012
5 posts
A dance club, a married woman and a series of...
I’ve never been a big fan of dance clubs. I’m not much of a dancer and there’s something about loud music and crowds of people having fun that I just find off putting. But a few months ago I was dragged along to a club by a couple of my friends.
Being the awesome, fun person I am, I’m off to the side, avoiding the dance floor at all costs. This plan is working perfectly until I accidentally make...
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Things I plan to do in my final semester of...
It’s starting to dawn on me that I’m in my last semester of college. This is sad news for a couple reasons. For one, I have the survival skills of a 7-year-old. I can barely clip my toenails let alone cook myself dinner. But mostly it’s sad because I still have so many things I want to do before I graduate. I’ve decided to make a list:
-Wear the same shirt in one course the entire semester just to...
A few things to keep in mind before we start this...
First of all, thank you all for coming to the 8th Annual Central Arizona Orgy and Luncheon. I see a lot of new faces here, which is always great. I would also like to thank the Scottsdale Marriott for allowing us to use their convention center again this year.
But before we begin, there are a few things I would like you to keep in mind. As many of you may know, one of our attendees died of a heart...
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WatchThe above video is my favorite thing in the world at the moment. It’s from Dancin’ On Air, which is basically American Bandstand, but without Dick Clark and from the 80s. Just look at the hair and the clothes. Oh and the dancing. Let’s not forget the dancing. It’s perfect.
December 2011
3 posts
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How to live up to your New Year's Resolutions...
New Year’s Resolutions are the worst. Who wants to exercise when you could just lay on the couch and eat Cooler Ranch Doritos while watching reruns of Three’s Company? Fortunately for you, I know some shortcuts. Follow these tips and you’ll be a better you in no time!
-Lose Weight: Always a popular resolution. Losing weight can be hard; no one wants to start running, eat vegetables, or find a new...
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How to Save Money in the New Year
2011 is coming to an end, which means many of you are going to make New Year’s Resolutions. Now me, I’ve never made a resolution because I’m perfect in every possible way, but I’m here to help you. In these tough economic times, many of you are probably going to make a resolution to be more fiscally responsible. I would like to share some tips with you to have a better new year and a bigger...
November 2011
11 posts
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If the Beatles were from the USSR
-With a Little Help from My Comrades
-Bolshevik Revolution 9
-Lucy in the Sky With Sputnik
-Stalingrad/Hey Hey Hey Hey
-Lovely Rita, Commissar of Transportation
-While My Government Issued Guitar Quietly Sobs
-Drive My Yugo
-Can’t Buy Me Love Because if You Did it Would Incite Class Warfare
-Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da
Suggested baby names based on place of conception
-Virginia
-Walla Walla
-Ford Focus
-Room 302 of the Marriott Suites in Scottsdale, Arizona
-During the Seventh Inning Stretch of the NLCS Game Six
-Back of a Greyhound Bus
-Denny
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A Haiku
I woke up naked
In a truck bed in Jersey
I hate tequila
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Buy the Rights to Mary My Other Daughter for Only...
Hello,
I am very sad right now. You might not be able to tell because the surgeries I’ve had on my face make it impossible to frown.
You see, two of my daughters have wed and one of them is still happily married, at least until her contract expires. But I have another daughter who is still not married. This makes me upset because there is a lot of mon—I mean I want her to be happy. And I don’t...
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A Very Important Guide to Black Friday
Thanksgiving is kind of a bullshit holiday. How do I know this? A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is pretty bad and everyone knows the holidays can be ranked in order of how good its Peanuts special is. The definitive list below:
1. A Charlie Brown Christmas
2. It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
3. It’s Arbor Day, Charlie Brown
4. Don’t They Know it’s Kwanza, Charlie Brown?
5. Oi Vey! It’s Rosh...
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Save Community! →
driverwinner:
Everyone do this. Now!
BREAKING: #OccupyWallStreet is now more popular...
Does this mean it also allegedly got someone pregnant?
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Just in case you were wondering if Space Jam fan... →
October 2011
1 post
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